A couple of years ago, I came across the book "Fortytude" by Sarah Brokaw. I don't recall why I found it because it's a non-fiction book, and almost all of my book browsing takes place in the Literature section, but when I did stumble upon it, I was immediately drawn to it for a number of reasons.
First, I love the title. It's a play on the word FORTITUDE which means, according to Dictionary.com "mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously."
I like playing with words, too, so I appreciated that Brokaw had taken a good word and made it a fitting title and attitude for women in their forties to embrace.
Secondly, I'm in my forties, and I'm a woman, so I exactly fit the target audience for this book. The cover of the book also sports this synopsis: "Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life -- through the 40s, 50s, and Beyond." Since that is exactly what I want and plan to do, I was even further drawn to the book.
Thirdly, Brokaw is the daughter of my all-time favorite TV journalist, Tom Brokaw, and I figured any woman raised by him must have some wise things to say and share with the rest of us.
And fourth, I was about a year or so into my life post-divorce, and while my divorce itself has never made me sad or angry because I was overjoyed beyond belief to be rid of my ex-husband, some of the things I was dealing with personally were things I felt could use a little bit of a bolster. So, I bought the book, but then it sat on my end table for about two years. Not sure why I didn't just read it right away, but I didn't. Not sure why I suddenly decided to read it, but I did. (Maybe because I'm nearing the end of my 40s and thought I should just get my shit together and read it. Yeah, that's probably it.)
However, I believe that some books come to us at the right points in our lives. This is one of those books. I wouldn't say that I really learned much from it, but I will say that it reinforced a lot of things I already do and believe, and sometimes we don't really need to learn anything new; rather we just need to know we're already on the right track.
Brokaw's approach was to divide the book into the five Core Values she feels that women need to have to "navigate midlife (the) most smoothly." She's come to this opinion from her years of working as a licensed therapist, and since she's also working her way through midlife and dealing with some of the same issues as every other woman, I was even more willing to buy and read the book. (If this book had been written by a woman in her 20s or a man of any age, I would have placed it back on the shelf in the bookstore and walked away from it.)
Those five core values, as she sees and calls them, are GRACE, CONNECTEDNESS, ACCOMPLISHMENT, ADVENTURE, and SPIRITUALITY.
I do believe that I have and embody each of these values, a few more than the others.
As to GRACE, I am a person of integrity, and I know most of my own strengths. Sometimes, I'm not the best about admiring or acknowledging the strengths in others, but I do try to do that with teaching. It can be really hard, though, with teenagers when all they appear to do is whine and complain, but there are some pretty great moments when the wonderful adults they'll become shine through and I see a kid as the individual she is instead of as just another student. I also know that I often don't try really hard to get to know people, but when I do make a friend, I'm in it for the long haul. I have very few real friends, and I'm o.k. with that because the ones I have are really great people.
CONNECTEDNESS is an area in which I've both excelled and failed. I am highly connected to my two grown kids, to my very best friend, to my parents, and to my boyfriend. I have varying degrees of connectedness with other family members and friends. My biggest failure occurred with the person I chose to marry, and my biggest "ah-ha" moment while reading this book happened in the CONNECTEDNESS section. Brokaw described what Dr. John Gottman, a relational therapist, calls "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." They are "criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling," and she writes that Gottman says that "if he observed signs of these behaviors and emotions during a couples therapy session, the partnership would be unlikely to endure." AH-HA! AH-HA! AH-HA! She then went on to describe what each of these four behaviors are, and when I read that paragraph (on p. 88), I dropped the book in disbelief because she had just described my ex and his behavior toward me during our entire marriage to a T!!! Fortunately, I have since met a wonderful man who exhibits none of these behaviors, and I can truly say that when a relationship does not have those four ugly horsemen riding along with it, it thrives instead of dies. Sometimes, even daily, I shake my head in amazement that I let myself think for one moment, let alone years, that the way he behaved was ever normal. Man, I'm so glad to be free of him and those horsemen.
ACCOMPLISHMENT is another area in which I'm really proud of myself, and where I'm also working daily to make better. I know I've done a lot as a teacher and drama/speech coach, and I'm really proud of how my kids have turned out, but I'm not yet where I want to be as a writer, and writing has always been my first love. However, that just means that I have still have so much to look forward to as I head into my 50s in a few years. I'm actually glad that I'm not at the pinnacle yet. I like to have goals ahead of me to reach, so even if I do become the published and well- read author I want to be, I know that writing will always offer me numerous opportunities to strike out in new directions.
That actually leads to the ADVENTURE value because I love to travel, and I want to do so much more of it, and I want to write about all of it -- thus one of the reasons for this particular blog I write! My Harley has taken me to quite a bit of new adventures these past three years, and my boyfriend, who rides an Indian, is really game for all the crazy ideas I have for our future together. His first time out of the country was with me last summer to Mexico where we swam with whale sharks! It's about time he interjects more adventure into his life. While we've already taken some trips, and we are planning some others for the next few years, our biggest adventure will be after we both retire from our full time jobs in about seven years. That's when the real adventures will begin, but we'll be sure to get as much in before then as well. Of these five core values, the ADVENTURE one is my favorite!
SPIRITUALITY is a word I like because it doesn't say "religion." I don't like religion because I don't believe that anyone's relationship with a higher power should be regulated or indoctrinated into her, but I do like the word "spirituality." I'm a spiritual person, but I don't think most people who know me would realize that about me. For me, it's highly personal, and, frankly, I don't share my beliefs because I'm not about to get into a pissing match with someone who thinks I'm "wrong" to not believe in the same "God" as he or she does. If anything, my beliefs run closest to those of the Native Americans and any others who think that everything is connected. Perhaps if I'd been born a boy and hadn't been told my entire young life that I couldn't do things -- religious or otherwise -- simply because I was a girl, my views about religion might be different. Who knows? I was born a girl, and now I'm a middle-aged woman who doesn't go to church yet who believes that there is "something" out there that ties us all together. I believe in the little miracles, the ones that happen every day out my window, and I believe that there was a reason this book came into my life.
Very recently, I met a woman about my age who is really struggling to accept her divorce and her life after it. She struck me as being a really sad and angry woman, but she also seemed to be a very interesting, kind and unique person. While I didn't have any regrets about my divorce or even any really serious issues getting beyond it -- just the financial fallout I'm still digging myself out from under -- I can understand and empathize with anyone who does struggle to get over a divorce, especially an unexpected one. This book, and others like it, are beneficial for any person who is wondering what she did wrong, or where she's going with her life now, or who she is without her spouse, etc. So, I want that particular woman, who just might be reading this, or any other woman like her to know that if you want to borrow this book, just say the word. I, like Sarah Brokaw, want every woman I know who is almost middle-aged, currently there, or already beyond it to have the best life possible every day. No more feeling sad for yourself, no more unnecessary worrying, and no more fear. Be strong. Have that fortitude. Be a woman of "fortytude."
